I know anyone reading this blog would call me a heartless peson or worse!!! But honestly I don't care.I hate people who are weak in the face of problems or crisis situations. We all have problems and we all have to bear them.I don't think there is anything admiringly different about me,but there is something I admire in myself and that I don't crack easily.I have the courage to face whatever life throws on me.This blog is oin reference to my mother, who is going through her depreesive stage( I think it's menopause effects).For a week or so I tried being as nice I can,about it, but then I just coouldn't take it anymore.Her constant crying is definitely reinforcing the thought regarding my PG.It's not like she's going through something terrible, sometimes I pity my poor dad to have to face it all,after I'm gone.
I believe "when you have troubles,God gives you the strenght to face it, as well".And my mother being a religoius person,sometimes makes me question her faith in God(though I know I have no right to do it).I just want her to stop whining like a kid,and act as an adult.That probably help me respect her a bit more!!!

Human Insecurities

So how can you ever mollify a person completely? You can say “I love you and only you”, “Trust me”,” I’m gonna be yours forever and ever more”. They are all tried and tested comfort lines. And I did say it all to sanket to assure him that I’m not going to have an affair if I go for my PG, outside Delhi. He thinks I’m gonna throw myself to the first rich, good looking guy that comes along my way ( told you the amazing amounts of trust we have on each other).I don’t think he’s convinced, not that he will ever be. I think even if I marry him, he’s still going to be this insecure. Though he shouldn’t be, considering our track record, as a gender, of being loyal is so much better than that of men. But I understand what he’s going through; because when he was leaving I was feeling the same. Though sometimes, I might enjoy his insecurity (because he acts real cute and adorable, trust me, like a kid), other times if gone unchecked can become a major stressor.
When he was leaving I said” if you ever fall in love, or start liking someone else, I would want to be the first person to know about it”. And he tells me that I’m not even allowed to like anyone, let alone love someone else (see no pressures!! toldya). and when I said it I meant it, because sometimes it happens,” out of sight, out of mind”. We have worked out our long distance relationship for over a year now, ups & downs were always part of it, and I hope we would do so in the future. Hopefully we are still that committed, that we make an effort to sort things out, when they seem to go all wrong. Because that’s love, in a fast paced life!!!

The Guilt Factor

I believe one of the worst punishments meted out to mankind, is "feeling guilty". And this guilt can make you do things you won't do in your right mind.Trust me on that!! The very feeling of living in trauma, that someone is going through something horrible, because of you is sucidal. And worse when you don't know what to do about it, because you're torn between the two sides. Oh God save us... I'm in a dilemma and I don't know what to do.It's my mother and we all know how good they are with emotional blackmailing.And she's real good at it,which makes it worse. I think I' m gonna go with the flow, which means I continue to cary my emotional baggage as long as I live!!!

A Must Read Book

Finally I finished reading the book “The Kite Runner” by khaled housseini. I always wanted to read it, and I must it’s an amazingly written book and a very powerful book I have read in a long long time. It was such a beautiful book. And there are2 things I’m always going to remember, and isn’t this the part that makes a book meaningful, what you take out of the book for your life.
The line” for you, a thousand times over” made my heart melt every time I read it and made me cry like a baby. The beautiful part it’s not a romantic story it’s a love story of two friends cum half brothers. The book portrays so many virtues that we have all forgotten: loyalty, unconditional love, selflessness, kindness, LOVE.
This book reminded me of so many small innocent wishes we always had, but it’s all forgotten now… I’m so definitely gonna read his second book “A Thousand Splendid Suns”, if it means that I have to read it via e-books, though I love the touch and smell of a book.

Bidding Goodbyes

Right now is the time to bid goodbyes to everyone and another name that got added was sanket. After 22months of relationship, yesterday, I finally said my last and final bye to the very first serious relationship of my life. I had to break it off, because it was becoming a major stressor in my life, and the ideal time to put an end to any relationship is when it starts to hurt you more than making you happy.
Last time when we broke up, I became a recluse but this time I intend to get over my loss, the way the world does it. Rebound… and I have an ideal rebound in my life. Rahul subramaniam, he is intelligent, very very good looking, and super rich. He has indirectly asked me out a lot of times, I just never paid heed to him or simply ignored him. The best part is he doesn’t believe in being a relationship and now me neither.
Today I understand my sister’s concept of love, move out of a relationship when you realize you’re going to get emotionally involved. Sounds practical and fun. But it doesn’t mean that I have stopped believing in love, I guess it just have to wait till I think I’m ready to be in love.

Last Day

I feel so bad leaving college. My college was my comfort zone. People think JMC is full of bimbetts, but I met some of the most amazing women here, who I know are meant for bigger and greater things. It’s just a matter of time. The day was spend in capturing the happenings of the day in our memories and in digicams… though I know the former is going to last longer.
I clearly remember I started my first day in college in room 210 with linta sitting next to me, and today when we are leaving college, nothing has changed. Same room and same person… the scary thought is I’m not ready to move on right now. Not yet…

6th march’09
Friday

Time is Precious

What is important in a long distance relationship??? In spite of being in one for the past 1 year, I still don’t know. Is it time, patience or understanding??? What if I tell you I’m running out of everything in my relationship…time, definitely patience and understanding… In the past few weeks, I have a string of broken promises to remember and me quitting. Sanket, he keeps disappearing after every 2 days and then comes back apologizing… and I don’t know till how long can I take it?? Either he was so busy or he tried calling me, but of course my phone was not available…I wonder how much of it is ever true??? And don’t start judging me already, coz I’m sure, you would be thinking the same if you were in my shoes. Honestly I’m just waiting for the point to come, when I don’t really care about whether he’s there or he’s out fucking some whore, but for now, I do care.And the way things are going I’m going to reach that point pretty soon… it’s just a matter of time.
Shakespeare rightly said “Love is not love which alters, when alteration it seeks”. And that’s exactly why even I have gone silent…

College Week

This is my last week of college, I wouldn’t be spending any more weeks or any more Tuesdays in college...That’s why capturing every moment of my last week in college, because after a while I wouldn’t even remember what it was like.
Every time I think of this I know I have a stream of memories to remember: pleasant and unpleasant, but I’m what I am because of it. College life is so enriching, it’s sad who never went to college. I have learnt so much in these 3 years that I know no book or person can teach me. Ever. A couple of years down the line I don’t know whether I will have these friends or not, but I’m glad I had an opportunity to know them and that they became an vital part of my life…This entry is a dedication to Linta Alphonsa Bouselly, Ishnita Nayantara Keskar, Naomi Sharon George, Wormilla Jasmine Keishing, Ruzla and Hina Chowdhari…All these wonderful women who I love and hate…and hope we all remain in touch…love ya all

Seena Rose Michael
3rd March’09

Where do you go???

A song goes"What do you do when you're lonely,What do you do when you're gloom....I follow you"...don't we all wish we had someone to follow??someone to take care of you when all you want to do is cry out loud..someone to listen to you even when you are not talking sense?? We all do!!! But I don't think any of us have the time to do that for others..then why will others ??Even if you're committed or single,nothing matters...I hav'nt really introduced myself completely...I'm Seena,psychology student,in a long distance relationship for the past 1 year...My boyfriend is in sydney doing his pilot course...I give him credit for atleast something that is,if we are together till now,its because of him,he's been really committed...hats off to him...but I don't know you call me a bitch or whatever, but sometimes I need him more than ever and I miss him..He works really hard(2 jobs a day) and college, and I know that it really tires him out and he remembers to call me, but I really miss him...And right now I'm feeling really bad.And its horrible of me to expect him to be a superman, and every time I demand it,I feel I'm being so unfair to him,and thats why I never want him to read this,coz I have a right to feel bad if not good and no one can take it away from me...thanks for listening!!!

WORK ,STRESS & LIFE

Wow what a week!!! I'm so exhausted after it, and yet I know it's not over...new week,more work...it never ends....Last week I spend doing the most pointless work,PRACTICALS...and if you are a psychology student, I know I'm getting the nods and if not then consider yourself lucky!!! 1 night,2 fair reports, 2 discussions,mugs of coffee, and 2'o clock, that was last week in a few syllables...After my grad I'm leaving psychology,and I'm glad that I am, though it has taught me a lot for my life ahead,that we all sometimes take for granted...
But yay finally my stint with psychology is coming to an end..Life is a fairy tale,though not happily ever after but happily even after...I had my amazing times in these 3 years,even though I knew psychology is not my forte...that's life,you learn to enjoy it,inspite of everything:)

Everyday struggles!!!

Every time I go out of my house to go to college it’s almost like I’m going out at the warfront, because it’s a matter of survival. The biggest stressor in my life, traveling. And trust me it can be a real pain in the ass. But sometimes something happens that scars you for life. Men, who make traveling a stressor…, I don’t understand why it is so difficult for them to live and let live...how difficult can it be. Why do they have to make sure that every girl that travels in the buses carries with her a traumatic experience? What made them such sadists?? A man humping me, groping me because I made the mistake of standing in front of him, feeling himself while watching I’m sitting with my friend and the latest shagging himself right in front of me… do you know what it feels like when you’re made to feel like an object, a mere object for someone else’s sexual gratification?? A random horny bastard can make you feel that and trust me it’s not a pleasant feeling at all…in fact its almost not fully equal to rape, except people like me are stripped of our pride, innocence , dignity and respect every single day in the buses…Someone said” If you want to change things around you do not wait for anyone else to do it” but in this case I’m so helpless and scared to even make a move (acid throwing, abducting and raping) that I guess like every one else I carry my baggage and move on silently.

SECOND CHANCES!!!!

I don’t know how many of us believe in giving people a second chance, but I do. And I did give sanket a second chance because he deserves it. I was always a romantic fool who believed in knight in shining armor, but then something changed…. I grew up. I had some really wonderful times with this man, and he has supported me through my bad times BUT somehow I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did... I guess I never can get over that. Shakespeare has said”True Love does alter itself when it seeks alteration”. Sometimes I agree with what he says, BUT who doesn’t do that???
We all claim to be in love but what is love?? What is true love?? We have complicated this whole feeling with so many criteria that this most beautiful emotion is lost. I don’t know whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can never completely trust because when we say the vows, one if it states that “I promise to trust him more than I trust myself” which honestly I cannot do…call me pessimist but I cannot.

SECOND CHANCES!!!!

I don’t know how many of us believe in giving people a second chance, but I do. And I did give sanket a second chance because he deserves it. I was always a romantic fool who believed in knight in shining armor, but then something changed…. I grew up. I had some really wonderful times with this man, and he has supported me through my bad times BUT somehow I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did... I guess I never can get over that. Shakespeare has said”True Love does alter itself when it seeks alteration”. Sometimes I agree with what he says, BUT who doesn’t do that???
We all claim to be in love but what is love?? What is true love?? We have complicated this whole feeling with so many criteria that this most beautiful emotion is lost. I don’t know whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can never completely trust because when we say the vows, one if it states that “I promise to trust him more than I trust myself” which honestly I cannot do…call me pessimist but I cannot.

What a Valentines Day!!!

I had gone to spend the night at isnita's place along with linta,naomi and ruzla.jasmine and ambika backed out at the last moment(some lame excuse)...whatever not that we missed them very much!!! We had all gotten a spare T-shirt,so that we all could write on it.which we did..and after that we started playing a board game and linta made spiked lemonade(that's with vodka) for all of us.. and we had 5 shots each one after the other... and it felt liberating!!! Then we had dinner,after which we all just talked and talked and talked... And now begins the bad part...In the morning when I got up,I rushed to the loo to throw up...and it went on for 2 hours.By the end of it,I was too tired to throw up(I think it was the chicken I had),so I basically ended up with a sour mouth and a sensitive stomach...Except I willr emember this day for all the memorable moments I had,inspite of the not so memorable moments!!!

You know what the saddest part in my relationship with sanket (who I have been dating from the past 2 yrs) is that I know I love him and so does he and he does care a lot about me, no doubts, BUT that I can’t talk to him or that either of us have nothing to talk about (even after not talking for 2days). SAD SAD SAD… And I do want to marry him some day. I always thought my guy will at least be someone I can always talk to no matter about what. It’s not that I don’t tell him or share with him anything; actually there was a time when I used to share every second of my life with him (in fact I used to look forward to our time together), his opinions mattered, but in the past couple of weeks something has become numb, very numb (not only within me, but also our very interactions). It’s his response to whatever I tell him, it’s so withdrawn, so cold, as if it’s a pain for him to hear me out sometimes. His way of telling me that he is listening to me is asking me what happened and after I’m done moving on to some other topic. I feel like a doormat in his life, he’s busy with so many other things (which is okay, but call me selfish I need time with him and right from the start it’s been one of our issues, he’s never able to balance things in his life, so much so that sometimes it’s his friends or me who feels left out). But compromises, understanding and more compromises.
There are times I really want to talk to him, but every time I try to reach out for him, he’s not there. It’s just simply me, my and myself at the end.
As I write this, tears stroll down (because sanket just messaged me right now). It’s been so long that I haven’t cried… Funny how even he knows what’s going wrong, and I see us going down the same road. And I haven’t even recovered from our first break up, let alone second.
Why are relationships so hard and painful? Or do we make it so unbearable? He is my companion and I’m supposed to share everything with him_ emotional, physical etc then why the hell am I writing blogs for an emotional release…. I DON’T KNOW!!!

A PAGE FROM MY LIFE

What the fuck am I doing with myself and my life??? In 1 word I describe my life as “SHIT”...I have a zillion friends but what happens when I need them? Where do they all disappear?? Each one has to look out for himself or herself and that’s the truth then why do we waste more than half our lives affiliating and making friends. I just want to list all my troubles because I can’t contain them inside me any longer:

>Your past never leaves you alone however hard you try to run away from it.
Alsh (past) has been calling up and mailing me, proclaiming his “true” love for me. And if you ask me, he’s just trying hard to get into my pants (most of the guys do). He is a closed chapter in my life; actually he never was a chapter.
>MOTHER IS AN OVERRATED CONCEPT …I have never confessed it to anyone till now, because saying it out loud makes me sound like a horrible person…but you know what I HATE MY MOTHER for everything she has ever said to me or done to me... (There I have said it, now you can judge me all you want)
>Why is it that to get over all your problems you need MONEY for it? And if it’s that important then why is it that going to any extremes for it, makes you a money minded bitch. You know what sucks the worst when you don’t have it but your friends do, and all you do is lend or, wait, help them shop for beautiful things. Do you know how difficult it is to smile and tell your friend that it looks beautiful on her and no one else (when all you’re wishing in your head is I wish I could)
>GOD, I don’t know what to say. I was told that God always love you no matter what .then what happened?? My theory is that he loves and favors you only when something terrible happens to you( and you know what for that I don’t mind losing out on a leg)…I hope you are listening up there.
>LINTA, my best friend hate you for a lot of things (nothing for what you did to me) just for what all you have and for what you are…Beautiful, Smart ,Successful in whatever you do ,Rich enough to lend me money always( This is something I ‘m not going to tell anyone)
>SANKET, my boyfriend (yes I have one)…I find it hard to trust him sometimes (it may all just be in my head but I do) and every time I think about it, I feel like a horrible person. And if I tell him that either he gets upset or tell me to trust him…I’m so scared to lose him that sometimes asking help from him feels like I’m burdening him with unwanted baggage (I did try telling him that, a few days back but didn’t succeed). I could have asked Alan for help, but he thinks it’s his responsibility and no one else’s. Just a page out of my everyday life…

There are times

woww..sometimes I wonder what makes God do things(my guess...he's getting bored up there so therefore,he messes with others lives,to make it interesting for himself)...It feels horrible to be blamed for something you did not do...its bad enough to fight with the struggles of everyday life,on top of that being accused of doing horrible things...it sucks!!!It's not fair at all....I have a zillion stressors to deal with,and family becoming another is hell combined...
Every time I discuss serious matters of life with my friends,I get a feeling I'm becoming more of a pessismist in life..everything boils down to one thing"it's a bad world out there"....and to survive..."become rich or die trying"!!!

There are days!!!

Everybody has days...I had one too today...sometimes you feel its never gonna end..I have become such a pessimist regarding men,that I get a feeling that I'm never going to marry anyone..Don't men understand relationships???What makes them what they are,I really wonder..This moronic guy I know,who my friend happens to like very much and has been very obvious about it..has a thing for me and guess who he confessed to??none other than my friend...wow..how dumb are guys??don't they notice when a girl likes them,or are they that bad at detecting subtlety...God save me!!!
I cleared things up with my friend,when she broke the news to me...and I know we understand each other well to know that I'm not a boyfriend stealer!!!I just pity the guy who can't see what he is losing out on...and as far as his wishes are concerned that is never happening!!!

WHAT LUCK!!!

Sometimes I wonder why do I even try...yesterday my TISS results were out and guess what I didn't make it,and that's not whats most disappointing..what is..its the fact that jasmine got in,considering she just went there without even preparing..and Linta(my best friend) love her but she is least interested in MSW(she applied because I did) cleared even for MSW..;Life is so unfair sometimes..and so is God,but yeah I LEARNT YESTERDAY THAT HE HAS A PLAN FOR EVERYONE...its just that most of the times my plans don't match with his...
And of course PARENTS who can foorget them...they make me realise that I have not right to feel sad because I didn't work towards it(and I thought every human has a right to feel what he feels)...and wow the icing on the cake is SANKET(my boyfriend) who has been gifted with amazing temperament and patience...who simply bangs the phone on me everytime he thinks he's done talking..need I say more!!!

PRESSURES OF LIFE

It's funny how life can be sometimes so wonderful and other times so unbearable..the pressures of being someone,doing something can be so consuming that everything revolves around it.The security of the environment somehow disappears after college(graduation).And your suddenly treated as an adult,intelligent enough to make your own decisions in life..after years(exactly 20yrs) of parental dependence,you're let free to make choices and then you feel so incapable and scared of making a decision"what if i make a bad decision"..will my parents,friends support me..so you want someone to do that for you..and today i fell the same..I want someone to make the decision for me!!!!!