Everyday struggles!!!

Every time I go out of my house to go to college it’s almost like I’m going out at the warfront, because it’s a matter of survival. The biggest stressor in my life, traveling. And trust me it can be a real pain in the ass. But sometimes something happens that scars you for life. Men, who make traveling a stressor…, I don’t understand why it is so difficult for them to live and let live...how difficult can it be. Why do they have to make sure that every girl that travels in the buses carries with her a traumatic experience? What made them such sadists?? A man humping me, groping me because I made the mistake of standing in front of him, feeling himself while watching I’m sitting with my friend and the latest shagging himself right in front of me… do you know what it feels like when you’re made to feel like an object, a mere object for someone else’s sexual gratification?? A random horny bastard can make you feel that and trust me it’s not a pleasant feeling at all…in fact its almost not fully equal to rape, except people like me are stripped of our pride, innocence , dignity and respect every single day in the buses…Someone said” If you want to change things around you do not wait for anyone else to do it” but in this case I’m so helpless and scared to even make a move (acid throwing, abducting and raping) that I guess like every one else I carry my baggage and move on silently.

SECOND CHANCES!!!!

I don’t know how many of us believe in giving people a second chance, but I do. And I did give sanket a second chance because he deserves it. I was always a romantic fool who believed in knight in shining armor, but then something changed…. I grew up. I had some really wonderful times with this man, and he has supported me through my bad times BUT somehow I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did... I guess I never can get over that. Shakespeare has said”True Love does alter itself when it seeks alteration”. Sometimes I agree with what he says, BUT who doesn’t do that???
We all claim to be in love but what is love?? What is true love?? We have complicated this whole feeling with so many criteria that this most beautiful emotion is lost. I don’t know whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can never completely trust because when we say the vows, one if it states that “I promise to trust him more than I trust myself” which honestly I cannot do…call me pessimist but I cannot.

SECOND CHANCES!!!!

I don’t know how many of us believe in giving people a second chance, but I do. And I did give sanket a second chance because he deserves it. I was always a romantic fool who believed in knight in shining armor, but then something changed…. I grew up. I had some really wonderful times with this man, and he has supported me through my bad times BUT somehow I still haven’t forgiven him for what he did... I guess I never can get over that. Shakespeare has said”True Love does alter itself when it seeks alteration”. Sometimes I agree with what he says, BUT who doesn’t do that???
We all claim to be in love but what is love?? What is true love?? We have complicated this whole feeling with so many criteria that this most beautiful emotion is lost. I don’t know whether I want to spend the rest of my life with someone I can never completely trust because when we say the vows, one if it states that “I promise to trust him more than I trust myself” which honestly I cannot do…call me pessimist but I cannot.

What a Valentines Day!!!

I had gone to spend the night at isnita's place along with linta,naomi and ruzla.jasmine and ambika backed out at the last moment(some lame excuse)...whatever not that we missed them very much!!! We had all gotten a spare T-shirt,so that we all could write on it.which we did..and after that we started playing a board game and linta made spiked lemonade(that's with vodka) for all of us.. and we had 5 shots each one after the other... and it felt liberating!!! Then we had dinner,after which we all just talked and talked and talked... And now begins the bad part...In the morning when I got up,I rushed to the loo to throw up...and it went on for 2 hours.By the end of it,I was too tired to throw up(I think it was the chicken I had),so I basically ended up with a sour mouth and a sensitive stomach...Except I willr emember this day for all the memorable moments I had,inspite of the not so memorable moments!!!

You know what the saddest part in my relationship with sanket (who I have been dating from the past 2 yrs) is that I know I love him and so does he and he does care a lot about me, no doubts, BUT that I can’t talk to him or that either of us have nothing to talk about (even after not talking for 2days). SAD SAD SAD… And I do want to marry him some day. I always thought my guy will at least be someone I can always talk to no matter about what. It’s not that I don’t tell him or share with him anything; actually there was a time when I used to share every second of my life with him (in fact I used to look forward to our time together), his opinions mattered, but in the past couple of weeks something has become numb, very numb (not only within me, but also our very interactions). It’s his response to whatever I tell him, it’s so withdrawn, so cold, as if it’s a pain for him to hear me out sometimes. His way of telling me that he is listening to me is asking me what happened and after I’m done moving on to some other topic. I feel like a doormat in his life, he’s busy with so many other things (which is okay, but call me selfish I need time with him and right from the start it’s been one of our issues, he’s never able to balance things in his life, so much so that sometimes it’s his friends or me who feels left out). But compromises, understanding and more compromises.
There are times I really want to talk to him, but every time I try to reach out for him, he’s not there. It’s just simply me, my and myself at the end.
As I write this, tears stroll down (because sanket just messaged me right now). It’s been so long that I haven’t cried… Funny how even he knows what’s going wrong, and I see us going down the same road. And I haven’t even recovered from our first break up, let alone second.
Why are relationships so hard and painful? Or do we make it so unbearable? He is my companion and I’m supposed to share everything with him_ emotional, physical etc then why the hell am I writing blogs for an emotional release…. I DON’T KNOW!!!

A PAGE FROM MY LIFE

What the fuck am I doing with myself and my life??? In 1 word I describe my life as “SHIT”...I have a zillion friends but what happens when I need them? Where do they all disappear?? Each one has to look out for himself or herself and that’s the truth then why do we waste more than half our lives affiliating and making friends. I just want to list all my troubles because I can’t contain them inside me any longer:

>Your past never leaves you alone however hard you try to run away from it.
Alsh (past) has been calling up and mailing me, proclaiming his “true” love for me. And if you ask me, he’s just trying hard to get into my pants (most of the guys do). He is a closed chapter in my life; actually he never was a chapter.
>MOTHER IS AN OVERRATED CONCEPT …I have never confessed it to anyone till now, because saying it out loud makes me sound like a horrible person…but you know what I HATE MY MOTHER for everything she has ever said to me or done to me... (There I have said it, now you can judge me all you want)
>Why is it that to get over all your problems you need MONEY for it? And if it’s that important then why is it that going to any extremes for it, makes you a money minded bitch. You know what sucks the worst when you don’t have it but your friends do, and all you do is lend or, wait, help them shop for beautiful things. Do you know how difficult it is to smile and tell your friend that it looks beautiful on her and no one else (when all you’re wishing in your head is I wish I could)
>GOD, I don’t know what to say. I was told that God always love you no matter what .then what happened?? My theory is that he loves and favors you only when something terrible happens to you( and you know what for that I don’t mind losing out on a leg)…I hope you are listening up there.
>LINTA, my best friend hate you for a lot of things (nothing for what you did to me) just for what all you have and for what you are…Beautiful, Smart ,Successful in whatever you do ,Rich enough to lend me money always( This is something I ‘m not going to tell anyone)
>SANKET, my boyfriend (yes I have one)…I find it hard to trust him sometimes (it may all just be in my head but I do) and every time I think about it, I feel like a horrible person. And if I tell him that either he gets upset or tell me to trust him…I’m so scared to lose him that sometimes asking help from him feels like I’m burdening him with unwanted baggage (I did try telling him that, a few days back but didn’t succeed). I could have asked Alan for help, but he thinks it’s his responsibility and no one else’s. Just a page out of my everyday life…

There are times

woww..sometimes I wonder what makes God do things(my guess...he's getting bored up there so therefore,he messes with others lives,to make it interesting for himself)...It feels horrible to be blamed for something you did not do...its bad enough to fight with the struggles of everyday life,on top of that being accused of doing horrible things...it sucks!!!It's not fair at all....I have a zillion stressors to deal with,and family becoming another is hell combined...
Every time I discuss serious matters of life with my friends,I get a feeling I'm becoming more of a pessismist in life..everything boils down to one thing"it's a bad world out there"....and to survive..."become rich or die trying"!!!